Dec 2008

Mello (18) is often so involved with mafia stuff, it’s difficult to find time for intimate togetherness with Matt (18). He sometimes doesn’t come home for weeks because he’s required to be someplace. Matt often goes out of his way, driving to wherever Mello’s at for a tryst. Just to see him, a quick in-person talk, a hug, and if the situation allows it, a quick fuck. Mello buys them as much time as he can, scanning every location for secret spots. It’s fun at first, the thrill of doing something risky, sharing a secret etc. but it starts to wear them down eventually, Matt especially. He wants Mello in his bed, laugh about trashy movies on the couch, sleeping away in his arms, make shitty dinner together and make love til they see the sun rise though the blinds instead of working off sexual tension in some nasty backroom between crates and shelves.

(jkl-fff) It must've been disheartening and exhausting, to go back to stolen moments in hidden spaces after the freedom and relief of having their own space together. An apartment--their apartment--where they can just be themselves at all times without pretense or facade. Without the fear-shame that having to be secret instills. Sure, there's a thrill in risk ... but thrills and risks and especially fear-shame take so much effort, so much energy.

Makes me wonder if Matt, during those long stretches alone, ever felt like Mello cared more about catching Kira than about being with him. Did Matt ever feel depressed by certainty that, if it came down to a real and final choice, Mello would choose the case over him? And for his part, was Mello ever aware how selfish and obsessive he was behaving, how much he was taking Matt's loyalty to the case for granted? Did Mello curse himself for it, try to bargain with himself that it was only for a little longer? Or was he oblivious in his obsession?

This makes me want to make a short rendered comic about this whole dilemma; it's where the character development takes place. Because yeah, it's an up and down in their relationship and not everything is going fine just cause they're together now. Mello's obsession, as fun and engaging as it can be, is causing massive problems.

I can see them having a heated talk about it but in their social incompetence can't really express how they feel in a healthy way. Mello takes the point of "don't you see how saving the world is more important than us?? Are you really asking me to prioritise you over the world??" and Matt doesn't really stand his ground for the sake of keeping peace but maybe says something along the lines of "Call me selfish but yeah, maybe I want you to prioritise me over the fucking rest of the world?! ... at least sometimes would be nice??" and Mello can't understand how Matt doesn't see the sacrifices he already made for him, how that proves that Matt is high up in his priority list. But Mello's actions don't translate to "I love and care about you" for Matt at all. He needs something different but putting it into words feels almost impossible.

They have this complete miscommunication going on, resulting in frustration and thinking the other doesn't care, despite the truth being the complete opposite. They just didn't find the "right way to love the other" yet.

(jkl-fff) Matt, after a quick and dirty fuck in an alley: ... Be honest. Am I just, like ... a safe, anytime fuck to you?

Mello, shocked and a little offended: Wha--How can you even ask me that?

Matt, too detached to be bitter but too bitter to be detached: Maybe 'cause I only ever see you behind a dumpster or between some dusty inventory shelves, like, once a month. Rest of the time, you're off with your mafia bros and I barely hear from you.

Mello: You mean the guys who're integral to my plan to bring down Kira? And who might beat me to death if they find out I'm a faggot, by the by, so these fucks are hardly "safe".

Matt: No, they won't. They need you too much. Besides, I'm safe 'cause you know I won't rat you out, and ... and you know I'll never turn you down, even if ... (even if I wish sometimes I just would).

Mello, not having heard that last whisper: I can't take the risk. Never bet on self-interest overcoming prejudices.

Matt: Work with other guys, then. You're smart enough to find other options. Non gang of murderous thugs options.

Mello, irritated: Yeah, sure, and in the meantime, Kira will keep terrorizing the world and killing whoever he wants, and the only means to stop him will disappear into the black market. It's worth a little danger and personal inconvenience and even ethical compromise to stop him. Greater good kinda thing. We're trying to save world here.

Matt, scoffing: Pff, please.

Mello: ... What's that supposed to mean?

Matt, dissngaging: Forget it. Never mind. I'll see you in, like, a month or whenever you gotta fuck somebody, I guess.